Joining up the dots looking backward and feeling them lay out in front of you.

I have a plethora of subjects I want to talk about today but mainly I want to talk about progress and change. Last night I impromptu decided to go through and read some of my old blog posts. I haven't really done that.. maybe ever? It was so interesting to me all the things that have happened since I started this blog and I am so, so glad that I started this blog when I did and although I haven't posted regularly I have definitely posted regularly enough that the main updates in life have been picked up. All the parts in between also log a feeling I felt in the moment and as I was reading, everything was coming back to me. I remembered where I was physically when I wrote the posts, where I was mentally and emotionally when I wrote them and where I was in my life in terms of where I am today in my life. 'Joining up the dots looking backwards not forwards' as my dad likes to summarize quote from Steve Jobs. The concept of which has actually become one of my favourite mottos too over the years...
As I was reading events from when I got married, to when I got my residency, learnt to drive here and got my Utah license, got a job as a special needs aide, then stumbling across the opportunity to take a shared scholarship with Juan at Snow College, landing Carlotta in Phantom, then feeling we had to move from Ephraim, then getting the opportunity to transfer to UVU and move to Orem, the dots where all just there and me reading back I'm just there drawing the lines.

One of the reasons this is so particularly interesting to me and so poignant to me at this moment is because I wrote a post around a year and a half ago about the cusps of change. The concept in that post was that we tend to talk about pre-change or post-change but rarely during change and at this moment I had made a post during the change and the unknown parts. What was interesting to me is that when I wrote that post I sort of didn't really know for sure what the change would exactly as we didn't even know if we could find a place to live near my new Uni and there was a period in that where I didn't know where I would continue to study or even if I would, and I had written in  one of the posts that I hoped that the place that we moved to - that we would be content there. And we have been, we really have been. We also got a puppy who is now a dog who I definitely love more than a human should probably love a living thing that isn't their own human child.. (ramblings for a different sort of post!) But what is most interesting here is not just simple hindsight "oh this happened and then this happened and past Talia had no idea etc.etc." but that I also remember Juan and I acting on a feeling before we knew the outcome and we find ourselves having these sorts of feeling again right now. I can't really pin it.
For example: We felt really strongly that we needed to move away from Ephraim without having the next thing in our lives lined up and it was quite scary and I remember some of our family members were a little worried but it worked out, like we knew it would, even though some nights we would let the fear get the better of us "what have we done, was this a really big mistake"  but it turns out that we made the right decision and would have needed to have moved first in order to be in the spot to move on to the next stage in our life anyway and well like I said we're sort of at that kind of a "feeling" crossroads again. I say sort of, because we're not really fully in that mental space yet but we can DEFINITELY feel something looming and we have NO IDEA what that is.
It's this double sense that ​we are joining up the dots looking backwards and that's really cool but at the same time feeling them lay out in front of you with no clue how the future ones might be joined.
And the coolest thing to me is that I will probably read this in the future just like I read a past post yesterday and feel EXACTLY the same as I did when I was reading through old posts last. (Which by the way: Hi future Talia, how you doin'? You lookin hot??! Yeah, I thought so;))
We do have a penciled plan (only ever penciled, that's our style I'm afraid, sorry for all those 5 year, 10 year at a time ahead planners out there. Living with Juan and I would give you MASS anxiety).. but then there is the feels again. The feel that something else might come up. Now we may be wrong and it might just be that we do that penciled plan and the thing we're feeling is after that plan unfolds but gosh this feeling is strong and present. 
Anyway, I could ramble about this concept all day and all night long. Needless to say I AM EXCITED for this change as it feels like a gooden. 
Peace and Love and keep letting those dots lay ahead of you and only ever join them up looking backwards, never forwards or you might just loose your mind. 

✌️


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