You might be able to tell by the title but I'm visiting home. Home for those that don't know for me is Christchurch, England. The title of my blog 'new name new life' is a tribute to the time that my life did 360 change when I got married and as the title describes with my new name came my new life. New country, new culture, new people, new permanent surroundings, new everything all far away and distant from where and what I was familiar with.
I'm grateful for my new life as with it came an abundance of opportunity that I know would not have had, had I have remained in my old life; stagnant. But there is so much to miss.
I am having my first Brit Christmas since I lived here four years ago and it feels both an extremely long time ago but also like yesterday since I lived here. My parents still live in the same house I spent the bulk of my teenage years and early twenties in and it's sometimes very mentally confusing to come back to. I love it of course but I feel myself constantly repeating the phrase in my mind 'everything is the same but nothing is the same', such a weird feeling and such a confusing and weird concept. There are still things in the cupboards of my old room that haven't been touched since I lived in it. On a lot of levels this is very comforting, on some levels it is sad and on other levels it is just plain confusing. I don't know how to feel,
I don't know what it is I am feeling.
I find myself asking who am I? Am I still the girl that used to live in this room?
When I come back home I feel myself morphing back into my old self but with the responsibilities of my new self and my current self (the self that is in that very moment attempting to attack those feelings) very much wanting to shrug off the responsibilities of that new self, as with this return to the familiar, it is so easy to do so.
I find myself slipping all the time, with my new self questioning if I should be allowing the slip or embracing it?
It's all very confusing but kind of wonderful at the same time.
How blessed am I to travel back to a past loved. How many of us have this opportunity?
My dad has allowed me to borrow his van while we are here and to be able to cruise down the streets I grew up in and know so well is a Christmas gift in itself.
I haven't posted for a while but have written a hecka lot of drafts. I think the last six months or so I have been in a bit of an odd headspace. This trip is definitely solidifying that odd headspace, but instead of trying to analyze or deny that headspace I think I'm just starting to come round to the idea of embracing it.
So wish me luck.
Brit. U.S.resident. Lover of Opera. Believer of dreams.