This is me. Self-Conflicted, Overcomplicated, Confused, but mainly trying to be positive me. (incl. a selfie and a little insight into the frightening mind of Talia) *Longest title ever, let's try make it a bit longer* Me. :)
Disclaimer; this one's a bit of a waffler*
Los Angeles, California, U.S.A
This is me.
Favourite version of self;
Orange paint on my nails, canon AE-1 on my shoulder, hair up in a bun for the first time in years (because of the gorgeous heat), parents in the lounge, husband in the bedroom, and myself taking an early-2000's-style mirror selfie in front of a rather gorgeous (wouldn't you say?) geometric shower curtain.
This is a picture taken within the first hour at the first air B&B I've ever stayed in in a cute part of L.A.. Juan Carlos and I are road tripping with my parents for a bit whilst they're here visiting us in the states and I just felt so happy in this moment that I wanted to capture it. I'm not a huge selfie fan or taker but I just wanted to remember this moment. Looking around the most beaut', kitsch little apartment, knowing I have a few days ahead of me that will consist of exploring parts of the earth I haven't explored (or remember exploring) before and knowing that I have time with members of my family that I don't get to see all that often in my day-to-day life anymore just got me BUZZED. A moment where I had forgotten about all the rubbish that goes on in the background of life and felt super loved and surrounded by beauty, both emotionally and aesthetically. Click. Captured.
Recently Juan and I's heads have been quite full, busy and fuzzy. I don't know how else to really explain it other than going into details that aren't important to get into. But I think essentially what I'm trying to get at is that I am learning. I can understand how life will nearly always have a thing we want to fix, better or change and it occurred to me that maybe that's just the way life is meant to be? And maybe we're meant to just find the good bits within all of that? I don't think there's a person reading this that doesn't have an issue or something going on - in the forefront or background of their lives at the moment or doesn't have something they want to better, fix or change. (and if you aren't one of these people, please holla - (I'm interested in how you do it?!))
But something that I'm noticing more and more in myself is that along with all the normal stuff that goes on in the background of regular in life, my mind clutters itself too, as of recent, in the most interesting of ways..
Some extra background;
I am definitely a person that's always looking at the past with Rose tinted glasses on. I'm afraid I'm absolutely both culprit and victim of that. Sorry. Sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes it is really not a good thing. Good - because it means I'm learning to take take super positive stances on things (especially those in the past) and Bad - because, it means it can make me incredibly nostalgic and has raised my emotional levels to places I didn't even know I had existing within me and well, just read on..
As I've got older I've realized that this way of thinking even effects my present life too. I almost daily live in the nostalgia of now as well as the past and then the anticipations of the future just linger there along with it. HELP.
Sometimes I think I can be a bit cryptic with my words so I'll try and explain a bit better.
Here it is in simple form;
A little further insight into the sometimes frightening location that can be my mind; *Apologizes for lengthy rambles in advance*
Basically I moved to America (about 2 and a half years ago now). Since this moment it has meant that I literally ALWAYS have people and places to miss (Like, REALLY miss). Therefore; I'm constantly reminiscing on the good ol' days and remembering them in such a way that I COMPLETELY forget all the background worries that I KNOW I had at the time that these "good ol' days" were occurin'.
EVEN though I FULLY KNOW - AS FACT - that I had these worries at the time. The mere fact that the future (that I would have been worried about back then) came, arrived and gave good things seems to sometimes be able to totally irridicate the fact that these worries even existed in the first place. This, mixed with the fact that I now live with totally new surroundings and with totally different people makes my nostalgia of the past SO strong sometimes and even makes living in the present a little difficult at times too. This is the part I call 'Phase 1: the rose tinted glasses effect' and it can get really annoying. What's worse; is that you'd think it would be just that right? - 'Sure Talia, you miss home? - Your life's a bit different now, you made good memories be grateful for them, shut-up, reap the benefits of now, get over it and move on!' Right? Wrong! What's worse is that knowing how nostalgic I am now of things that happened only a few years ago has put me into constant longing of not wanting to waste my feelings of how good I feel in the present. For example; I feel that I am truly lucky and blessed to be married to my best friend, to be studying what I love and living in a beautiful place; are things always hunky dory all over? No, of course not, are they ever? No. BUT - now here's the catch - they never have been - and I know that. Remember? Because it's been that way before.. So my 'missing the good ol' days' syndrome gets applied in my every day life too as I try and actively embrace every part of it thinking 'oh, one day I'll really miss this.. being with my husband before we had children, studying music, being able to have time to do the things I want to do, being poor and inventing ways to do stuff' etc. etc. This is the part I call 'Phase 2: the nostalgia of now' and it puts unnecessary, self-inflicted, pressure on EVERYTHING. Then on to 'Phase 3: the eerie, unknown' Basically; Anticipation of the future. Now this one is a funny one. A phase that I have a kind of love-hate relationship with. The future. Something I find really difficult to deal with; not knowing what's ahead of me. Something I hate even more; knowing what's ahead of me... Anyone can clearly see the dilemma here. This one isn't a tricky one to work out and is one that I know so many people freak out over. What's waiting for us in the future? Will it be pretty? Will it be dreary? Will our hopes and dreams come true? Do I need to prepare myself for good things? Do I need to prepare myself for bad things? How do I prepare myself for either of these outcomes? Dude, these questions are countless, endless and actually kind of hopeless and we ask and torment ourselves by asking them all.the.time. However, I am a bit tied with this one because something that I've learnt about myself is that I don't enjoy the feeling of feeling trapped. Like, at all. Probably a reason why I quit and changed so many jobs growing up and the reason I started and quit so many education programs and maybe even a reason that explains how I was able to up and leave England on a permanent or semi-permanent basis. I hate knowing I'm trapped into something for any duration of time. Yeah I know, they call that commitment issues. Can be a real bugger in the relation-ship department I know - but at least I found someone else that has them too so maybe we ended up cancelling them out (but clearly only in the relation-ship department?? dang.) Oh my. I just think that although the uncertainty and anticipation of the future lingers in the most frightening of ways at times it's actually quite exciting and what can keep us going. But at the same time can be the most scary thing in the world.
Blimey. This mind, thought, brain - process - whatever you want to call it - haunts me all the time. I am also aware that I'm 26 soon and that makes me closer to the age of 30 than to the age of 20 and I fully can not believe that. I think this knowledge and the effect of how life changed so drastically and so quickly my mind has given me a MASSIVE highlighter to help highlight all of those worries closest to me. Past.Present. And Future. Basically, all you need to get from this is how mentally mucked up I am.
And. So, now you know. I am a crazy person that overwhelms and self-inflictively overcomplicates everything for no reason. But if I can just visit my original point for a second at the beginning of this post.. look how actually content and happy I am in that moment. Now, THAT is why I wanted it capture it. You hear the phrase 'living in the moment' thrown around all the time and to me at this time I actually understood what that meant. That picture above, even though it looks like a girl just pulling a silly face in front of a mirror is actually a girl care-free, living in the moment.
Well, it feels good to get all that out.
And if you're still here and made it to the end. Go you. High5, award yourself a medal and a lollipop. And also, please always embrace the good things. I loved so much of my past even though some of it felt really crappy at times - there's still so much wonderfulness going on. We are living in our past's now. An idea I seriously can't shake.
from an apologetic, but also not so apologetic me,
Peace out guys,
we all have our things, what's yours?
Brit. U.S.resident. Lover of Opera. Believer of dreams.